Charles Harmon

The Collector by Lucifer Satan De’Ville

I am very pleased to meet you, glad you got my invitation

let me introduce myself, then I’ll show you my collection

I’m a man of many interests, I’ve got wealth and style and taste

let us start upon the tour, for there is no time to waste.

I live in this giant mansion, I’ve got ninety-seven rooms

but I’m lonely here all by myself, and that’s not changing soon

I have no wife or children, I don’t even have a dog

and who would want to marry me? They say I am a hog…

I’ve an antique car collection, ‘though I don’t know how to drive

but the chauffeur for my limo is on call from 9 to 5.

I’ve got Duesenbergs and Bentleys and Ferraris by the score

when I get my bailout check I’ll go out and buy some more! 

You could see my art collection but it’s in some big museums

I’m so generous that I lend ’em so the common folk can see ‘em

but I get a big tax write off so I can hang on to my dough   

then I buy some more Picassos, more Monet and more van Gogh!

   Yeah, I’m a collector, I’ve got lots more than I need

   Yeah, I’m a collector, but don’t you dare to call it greed!

   Summer’s almost over, to be followed by the harvest

   you think that times are dark now, soon will be the darkest!

I’ve a hundred rare guitars that I don’t know how to play

but the dealer promised me they’d be worth a lot of cash someday

I’ve a Gibson played by Elvis and a Strat that Jimi burned

they’re worth a million bucks apiece, that’s money I have earned! 

I’ve got an antique gun collection, but I don’t know how to shoot

I’ve got rifles and machine guns and I think they’re rather cute

but if you tried to break in here, I’d not know what to do—

Security would handle that and blow some holes in you!

I’ve got a rare book library, but I do not care to read

I’ve better ways to spend my time, no knowledge do I need

I’ve got Bibles made by Gutenberg, a first-edition Shakespeare

But I’ll not get caught out reading—some might think it queer!

   Yeah, ‘cause I’m a collector, my collection is my life!

   Yeah, I’m a collector, and my collection is my wife…

   I inherited my money, but I do not care to share

   my mansion’s crammed with priceless junk—everywhere! 

 

I have a musty old wine cellar that I always keep well stocked

but the servants here get thirsty, so I always keep it locked.

There are vintages that date back to some very good years

but I’ve never really tried them because I only drink tears…

I’m an enthusiast for philately; numismatism, too,

I’ve got gold and silver coins that date to 1492.

I’ve got furniture and comic books and stamps and other stuff

and I’ll never stop collecting because I never have enough!

   My collection’s my profession and it makes my life seem real 

   My collection’s my perfection and I like how it makes me feel!

   My collection’s my erection and it gives me sex appeal

   My collection’s my predilection—I just love the art of the deal!

So, where’d I get my money since I’ve never worked a day?

Well I got it from my parents when they passed away.

Did they jump or were they pushed? I wonder to this day…

But I got my first ten billion and I was on my way!

I’ve been married seven times, each to an ugly rich old wife

I was mysteriously bereaved, each sadly lost her life…

but a trillion dollars cash is now the net of my finances

and I’m always on the make, looking for some new romances…

I’m glad that you could visit, bring your poetry books to sell

but I told you once we don’t have time to read much here in Hell.

I regret I cannot let you leave this luxurious bolt hole

I must add to my collection your eternal soul!

For summer’s almost over and the world is going to hell

it’s harvest time and all is mine, or can’t you hear the knell?

The world’s on fire and getting worse, are you too blind to tell?

You’re safe down here in Hades, the very best place to dwell!

 

   I’m the Collector, yeah! And Satan is my name!

   I’m the Collector, collecting souls is just my game!

   I don’t need your junk or money, I already own your stuff

   I’m not really materialistic, I’ve already got enough!

   I’m the Collector and there’s nothing you can do!

   I’m the Collector, and I’ll get all of you it’s true…

   I’m the Collector, and I’ll get all your children, too!

   I’m the Collector, and there’s nothing you can do!